Saturday, April 30, 2011

One Step Back, Four Steps Forward

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Our home internet is working again!  Woot!!

Any newly-married straight couple will tell you that there is nothing like a good argument to get the juices flowing, literally.   At its best, a fair fight clears the air of any festering concerns and leads to amazing make-up sex.  I can't speak for gay couples but assume the same effect might occur.

For the first half of our marriage, we had some doozies usually involving yelling and on one occasion, the throwing of furniture.  (okay...okay....  it was a footstool and it wasn't thrown directly at me.)  These fights were always quite one-sided as I always remained calm.  All the crazy behaviour (self-described as "passionate") was on the other side.  We emerged from these early fights closer and more passionate than ever and somewhat sobered, having just pulled our marriage back from the brink.

So... I was quite accustomed to the verbal abuse alluded to in the previous post.   After a week of silence, this incident resulted in the most surprising discussion about our futures.   Of course, our marriage is over.  While each of us expressed care and concern for the other, we have both have fallen out of love some time ago.  This, I think, makes rational discussion easier.

We discussed the possibility of future marriages for each of us.   She laughed ruefully and said there is no one who would want her  (I strongy disagree, although I admit that any future husband would have to be an extremely special, understanding person... and of course... straight.)   I said that I wasn't going to rush into anything and that finding a compatible husband would be very difficult.  For the first time, I admitted that I certainly hoped to find some man to marry one day.  I would never have thought that we would ever have such a conversation;  never in a million years!  It happened so matter-of-factly, completely without drama.

What emerged very quickly was an agreement in principle that our number one priority was to keep our money and assets as intact as possible.  This is to ensure our children's financial future, as well as ours, in our separate households.  We will not be squandering tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers and costly litigation which could result in both of us losing our homes.

We have a proven track record on being able to cooperate.   We have have been slowly dividing our "stuff", items large and small, over the past several months and have achieved a relatively easy agreement on everything. It helps that I refuse to get emotionally attached to material possessions such as a chair or mixing bowl.  What am I going to do, take them with me in my coffin when I'm dead?

Many details need to be worked out over the next year as we consider many possible options;  there is no rush.  Ultimately, any agreement will be vetted by lawyers and accountants.   Our immediate task is to begin to separate financially;  bank accounts, credit cards and the like.  Next step: together and separately, we will carefully assess our financial needs (as opposed to wants) to live in our respective households.   This assessment will ultimately form the basis for our settlement and division of assets and incomes.

I know that we will continue to have a great many ups and downs as moods and emotions fluctuate.  However,  I'm fairly sure that today's events will prove to be a major a turning point in my our journey.

17 comments:

  1. And what about the make up sex? I hope you took the bishop out and gave him a good bopping, just for old times sake!

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  2. All the time, Jack, all the time.

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  3. Alot said here - I'm picking up that the "coming to terms" by your wife is slow but erratic! Such behaviour is always disturbing to me and gets me anxious - but you seem acoustomed to it!
    Also - moving forward is inevitable - you've passed the point of no return - I just hope the division of finances doesn't make the situation super intense! Just be careful is all I'm saying - passing the point of no return may mean happiness for you but at an awfully stressful cost!

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  4. SteveA: thank you for your concern, perceptiveness and wise advice! The "erratic behaviour" is partly the result of some medically-diagnosed emotional and mental health issues which have emerged in the past few years. I am used to it!!

    We also discussed these issues yesterday, very honestly. I won't blog about the nature of these issues, but they remain my biggest concern regarding my wife's future happiness and well-being. These problems may stay the same or they could potentially get much, much worse.

    Much time is needed for healing and acceptance. It's been less than three months since I've admitted I was gay, came out to wife/kids/parents/some friends, we've fully separated physically, emotionally and starting next week, financially. I'd hardly describe this as "slow!!!!"

    Yes, it is stressful, but I don't know anyone who equipped to handle it better than me. I'll be fine!! My biggest worry was being wiped out financially and that stress has been largely laid to rest.

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  5. What did you say? I was distracted by the second photo....

    What is goin gto lead both you and your wife to healing and wholeness? It sounds as though both of you are on track with this. Best wishes as your family works through this.

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  6. This is great news, that you are working things out with your wife. Meanwhile, I am spending lots of money on my lawyer (and I assume my wife is doing the same) I would love to save some of it, but haven't spoken to her since we separated a year and a half ago since she is still very upset and mad. Or at least I think so; maybe I should check and see if we can agree on the money thing. So I am definitely jealous of how smoothly this is all working out for you...

    And I like those pics too!

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  7. Thanks for commenting, everyone! Everything is going exceptionally well and I am absolutely confident that this will continue. I'm sure all the regular readers to this blog know that the last pic is me wearing the spandex trunk briefs. I was having an 'exciting' time during my self-timer photo session.

    Paul: Best of luck to you! It must be a very difficult situation you are in.

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  8. anne marie in phillyMay 1, 2011 at 1:59 PM

    ummmmmmmmmmmmmm...what? did you say something, sexay man? ;-)

    srsly, I hope you and your wife are able to work all things out to both your kids and YOUR OWN mutual benefits without a lot of rancor.

    ex-spouse and I were able to do this; both of us remarried (to other people) 20 years ago. I don't wish him any ill will, and ex seems to have gotten a better deal the second time around.

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  9. anne marie in phillyMay 1, 2011 at 2:11 PM

    PS - that website link at the top? cheese louise, I about popped a gasket - those guys are HAWT HAWT HAWT!

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  10. I am so very happy to read that you and your wife are cooperating on the divorce and not wasting all your assets in a big fight.

    I had to study a bit, but I 95% the bottom pic was you. Thanks for confirming it. I can't wait until it gets warm in your area. Maybe you'll take some nice outdoor shots in the woods with plenty of green around.

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  11. anne marie: Thanks for sharing your divorce 'success story.' I know quite a few people who managed to have an amicable divorce. Every study has shown that it's not the divorce itself that damages the kids; the children are messed up when their parents try to destroy each other in a bitter, hate-filled fight.

    Cubby: Thanks! I'm happy too!!! I ran into my wife today while dropping off one of the kids in town; she was all smiles; warm and chatty. What a transformation!! She invited me to dinner as some of her family was in from out-of-town and they wanted to say hello. I couldn't go, so that will happen tomorrow.

    I'm sure there will be plenty of outdoor self-pics of me in the summer. I much prefer natural lighting. Also, we have plenty of stunning and very remote beaches around here... I'm planning my shots already!

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  12. Hi Buddy Bear, I've just started reading your blog in the last couple of days. I do wish you and your family all the best in the coming times.

    On the subject of your pictures, I think I'll be hooked. I did wonder if that was you in the navy briefs and OMG!! Your a Beauty. Hugs

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  13. Glad you're back online.

    It sounds to me like there was more to your marriage than just your being gay. I do hope it works out amicably, and I'm so glad you have your kids who are so supportive.

    On another note: that 2nd picture is a little distracting:)

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  14. Mack: yes, we had significant difficulties for at least the last 12 years of our marriage. Lots of stresses of all kinds and emotional ups and downs. We both feel that we had plenty of good times too.

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  15. There is really NOTHING as infuriating to an infuriated "passionate" person to be furious at a person who remains calm!

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  16. I'm sure that's true, but to have if us yelling was would serve no purpose. The level of anger was such that there invariably was no memory of what was said the next day.

    After the cool-down, we always would have a productive discussion.

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