Thursday, April 21, 2011

The kids are all right.

2xist no-show trunk
My previous two underwear posts proved yet again:  "Sex sells."  For the past five days, this blog's daily  page views were two or three times greater than the usual, ranging from 150 to +250  views per day.   At one point, I became slightly alarmed  at being so "exposed."..... oh my gosh, what have I done?  This blog was supposed to be anonymous.... under the radar.   Who would have thought that  underwear would have generated such interest, so many lively comments?  Amazing!

I know these numbers do not represent unique visitors;   a click on each picture counted as a separate page view.  Also, many readers came back for repeat visits to read the many interesting new comments.  Thanks again, everyone!

Note:  the guy in the pic at left is not me.

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It was just three months ago that:
  1. I came out as a gay man to my children
  2. Our marriage broke down and we moved into separate households.

You'd think these would be traumatic, devastating events for the kids.   Apparently, this hasn't been the case at all.  Since our split, my children have been doing exceptionally well; better than ever, in fact.  I have never sensed the slightest whiff of angst or any anger from them over the fact that their dad is gay.  At home, at school and with their friends, they seem happier and more talkative than ever before.

As well, both kids are noticeably more talkative with me than before.  Since all the kids are not with me all the time, I think that when we do see each other, there are more stories to tell.  The expression, "Absence makes the heart grows fonder" applies here, at least to me.  I miss them a lot when they're not with me.  Another big factor:  the kids are happier because their parents (in our separate households) are also happier than we have been in many years.

I asked my oldest the other day, "You kids seem to handling Mom and I splitting up really well.  You all seem perfectly okay with it."

The response,  "Well, Dad,  it wasn't like some huge, dramatic split, like an explosion blowing everything apart.... or like cracking an egg.   It was more like S-L-O-W-L-Y pulling apart a piece of gum ..... it was going on for years. "   We laughed our heads off..... what a perfect analogy!  Our marriage had indeed been a troubled one for a very, very long time.

We seem to have evolved into a living arrangement which is far too flexible to be called "custody."   I'm not sure how this happened, but it seems as that the  kids decide between themselves which one of them is staying with which parent.  Their overall objective, I think, seems to be that neither parent be left alone for any length of time  (ie:  longer than one night.)  For example, if my son needs to be at my house to work on a special project for a few days, he arranges for his sibling to stay with their mother, so she won't be alone.  I expect that in the summer, all the kids will be mainly with their mother, which will be sad for me, but I'm fairly sure that I will see them often. 

It helps that the kids started out being very responsible, well-adjusted, confident and intelligent..  I also think that both of us parents are, for the most part, intelligent, sensible, mature and committed to the well-being of the kids.  Don't get me wrong;  I still am faced with erratic, depressive behaviour at times and less frequently, displays of anger.  I still have grave concerns about my financial future.  But overall, things continue to calm down and are moving forward, however slowly.

18 comments:

  1. OMG! Is that M. Buddy Bear?
    *O.K... When is next flight to BC...* ;-)
    Well, you've summed it all up pretty well. I've got nothing to add. I think everything is going to be fine for you. I wish you the very best in this amazing journey! Best regards to your family too.
    You're a lucky man.

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  2. Sounds like you (all) have adjusted well so far. Your son's analogy was precious and very mature. My kids are split, with my youngest (my only daughter) being the most supportive... But, they were all "of age" when I came out to all of them.

    Kudos to you and your family!

    Tom

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  3. Aww, I'm sorry Buddy, I should have told you before. Most of those page views are from me. I come here a few hundred times a day to get my fix :-)
    And what a fix!
    I'm really happy about the kids getting on so well. Best possible outcome, for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hands off Cubby, I was here FIRST!
    LOL! Just kidding of course!
    Put Cubby's 100 page views a day along with my 100 page views... well... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. c'mon gentlemen...ladies first :P

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  6. Thanks, everyone! Boys, behave yourselves!! Deep Blue, I won't be posting any face pics of me here, unless I do a lot of editing to transform the blog in to a "G" rated one. Maybe after my divorce...

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  7. anne marie in phillyApril 21, 2011 at 3:42 PM

    adam, as a 100% lady person, I get the first dibs on buddy bear; all y'all male persons will have to take a back seat to me! :-b

    srsly, buddy, your kids sound like splendid individuals. they care about both their parents. you are a lucky man indeed! :-)

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  8. My situation was different, as my daughters were being maltreated by my ex and they told the court's social worker they wanted to live with me. One eventually broke with the ex altogether--no contact at all--and the other keeps the ex at bay from the west coast.

    At the time we remade the family as a single dad with two children, both of whom supported and even urged my coming out and who now love my husband as "Daddy 2." Children are so fantastic.

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  9. I had read all of your older post. I was just kidding. Sorry.

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  10. anne marie: Thank you! We're very fortunate. The kids are highly supportive of both us... especially of my wife who (understandably) is going through an extremely difficult time. On very much an emotional rollercoaster.

    Will: what an inspirational story! Thank you for sharing.

    Deep Blue: Thank you, but I'm not sure what you are apologizing about. I didn't notice anything that would cause offense! Please don't worry about it!

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  11. It's not easy I know! My partner is almost in the same boat! A gay married man with kids! It's trauma sometimes but c'est la vie!

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  12. Well, and here I thought we were getting the big debut! Oh well...

    Good news about the family. It must be very satisfying to know that you've been darned good parents. And your kids will always appreciate that.

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  13. Didn't I say that kids are resilient? And, it appears, more observant than you thought huh? Wait until one of them tells you, "You need to get laid." LOL

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  14. Thanks SteveA, wcs! RG: yes, you are right about kids' resilience ... I know that if I'm still alone when when they're older and have left home, they will encourage me to find a partner / husband so they won't worry about me. I can't imagine them using "laid", though.

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  15. Kids are very resilient. Sounds like you did a good job raising well-balanced, well-adjusted young people.

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  16. I am glad things are moving forward without too much fuss; the road could be more choppy and it wasn't / hasn't

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  17. Ur-spo: yes, we're very lucky. It is more common, I think, for these things to become drawn-out, hatred-filled battles which are so damaging the the kids.

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  18. So great to hear that your kids are handling everything so well. I'm a few steps behind you so am still concerned about my kids. They know about everything but we are still living under the same roof. Hopefully things will go well when the split finally happens! Thanks for sharing your journey!

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