Dating Guy is 47 years old, my height, handsome, very well groomed, in reasonable shape, intelligent, ambitious, responsible, close to his family and is extremely secure financially. He is sole owner of an extremely profitable business, owns six or more houses which he rents out and continues to work at his former health care job on a casual basis. The thought did cross my mind that if I married him, my financial worries would be over.
We'd had countless sweet chats on POF.com since last April. Dating Guy seemed like a real "catch" but I resisted meeting him because: (1) I wasn't ready to date and (2) he had just broken up with his fiance (a man) after seven years together. But his ex was still living in the basement of Dating Guy's house while he completed job training. It seemed an odd situation so I decided to steer clear of it.
But in January, we finally did meet and really hit it off. He's an experienced gay guy, wickedly funny, romantic and was actively seeking a LTR. We had an intense couple of weeks, meeting every single day in restaurants, coffee shops and at each other's homes including in our bedrooms. I'd rank him as a 9.5 as "perfect LTR material." I was really starting to like him, a lot.
He was kind, thoughtful and attentive and seemed to be developing an infatuation with me. But I started to feel jittery in his presence becaue he was extremely focused on details and on appearance. He made numerous seemingly-innocuous but negative comments about my hair (dishevelled.... I hadn't had a haircut in two months), my blazer (too large ... okay, okay, it was a hand-me-down from a dead relative) and the condition of my house. (disaster area: I am still unpacking and we're in the middle of never-ending renovations.)
I will admit that I am hyper-sensitive to criticism especially that which is presented as a "joke." I was raised under a cloud of relentless criticism and disapproval from my parents, a pattern which repeated itself during our marriage except it came from my wife.
The worst part was that our kissing was quite awkward with little "chemistry" and normally, I`m darn good at kissing! ALL my men tell me so! Our kissing became even more awkward when Dating Guy corrected my technique and didn't allow any tongue action at all.
Abruptly, our restaurant meals, pof chats, phone calls and texts dried up completely and without any explanation. I was a little sad because I really liked Dating Guy as a friend but this cooling off gave me some needed perspective. How did I really feel about him?
Then last night he texted after a six weeks of silence: "Do you ever think of me?" and "Can we meet? I have something important that I need to tell you but it has to be in person."
I drove the 30 km to his house. (At midnight! On a school night!!) We greeted each other warmly and had a fantastic, funny conversation. I really like him. But he seemed unable to get to the point for my visit. I finally offered: "The main thing I learned during our two weeks of dating is that I am in no way ready for dating. After nearly 22 years of marriage, I need more time."
He said: "I'm sorry for cutting off contact without any explanation. I started to like you more and more every time we met. I mean, I REALLY, REALLY started to like you. I got scared at how I was feeling and tried to run away from it."
He launched into a month-long slut phase, hooking up with many, many guys but in the end, realized that he wanted me in his life. And.... here's the final kick in the shorts .... his ex is still living in his basement, scheduled to move out in June.
I didn't comment about being his boyfriend but I told him how I felt about his criticism. He apologized retroactively. But, as I pointed out, how can you apologize for just being yourself? I can't deny how I felt, how I feel, in his presence.
We chatted some more, kissed and fondled. He wanted to move things into his bedroom but I declined. It was 1:30 am! And I wasn't feeling it. So I just went home.
I think that just the act of putting this sad story writing has helped me decide what I need to do. But I'd appreciate your comments .....