The title doesn't refer to me. Considering the uncertain situation we're in, I'm relatively happy; just putting one foot in front of the other.
In the afterglow of our major achievement the other day about keeping our assets intact, I think the finality of it all has sunk in for my wife. There are plenty of other things causing stress as well.
It has been a very difficult few days for her. I think maybe a full-blown case of depression as settled in. The slightest trigger seems to cause an emotional breakdown. This downswing in her mood will pass eventually; these cycles have been going on for most of her adult life, although they have been far worse in recent months.
We discussed all this during a very emotional phone call. There's very little that I can do in the face of such distress, especially when the opportunity for professional help is refused. I said, "I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry I put through this. I'll regret it forever."
Her response: "Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault... you didn't know. You just didn't know."
I got misty-eyed at that response and again while typing this. This was the first hint of forgiveness from her, the first acknowledgment that she now believes me what I told her. Another major step forward, I think.
When I got married, I didn't know I was gay... I just didn't know. I would never have put anyone through this pain deliberately.
I discussed this conversation with my oldest who promptly cancelled some plans and arranged to be driven to her mother's house to spend the night. With great compassion, my daughter instinctively understood that her mother needed her there. There's nothing like having the emotional support of your children to give you hope for the future.